


Is there a hole in your heart (Or am I mistaken)

by Brain_Brainson



Series: DFD Prompt Fills [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben is an angsty boy, F/M, Jealousy, Kinda, Light Angst, Pining, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 13:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20892626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brain_Brainson/pseuds/Brain_Brainson
Summary: Vanya watches them train every Wednesday.





	Is there a hole in your heart (Or am I mistaken)

**Author's Note:**

> Me: *creates a Fluff challenge*  
Also Me: *writes angst*
> 
> The Prompt for this one was Ben/Vanya - Show off and well.....think about what you would write then remove it twice from the meaning of the prompt, add some unnecessary drama and you probably have what I wound up writing. 
> 
> This is what happens when you don't have a plan before you start writing. 
> 
> Pls take my humble offering anyway.

Vanya watches them train every Wednesday. 

Wednesdays are the days Dad spends either out or shut in his office, expecting no unnecessary disruptions, especially in the face of such insubstantial things like little Number Seven slacking off in her studies to go sit on the stairs leading to the basement, watching with huge eyes as her siblings suffer through two hours of combat training. 

Coincidentally, Wednesdays are also Ben’s favourite Days. 

He doesn’t talk to Vanya or anything - couldn’t if he wanted to. Even if Dad isn’t present, he’d never leave them without any supervision. And if it isn’t Pogo, watching over them with a less rigid tone in his voice but just as much expectation in his eyes, you can bet Luther doesn’t mind filling in for their father. 

Like today. 

Luther’s standing on the wall opposite of the staircase, currently busy snapping at Klaus for laying face down on a mattress instead of trying to disarm Allison. 

“It’s not fair. We have to work our asses off while you get to chill. You’re a sadist.” Klaus makes no move to try and stand up, ignores Luther stepping next to him, arms on his hips in an attempt to mimik Dad. 

He isn’t quite as successful in looking menacing though. 

(If he were, Klaus wouldn’t act up as much, rarely stepping out of line when Dad’s watching them like a hawk. No, he reserves that for the times they’re alone, secure in the knowledge that not even Luther would go and tell Dad about it, no matter how much he annoys him). 

“One of us has to sit this one out,” Allison says, siding with Luther like she always does. No surprise there. 

“We’re an uneven number since-” She falters. 

It’s been 2 years since Five stood up during dinner, walked out, and never came back. Two years and an unspoken sentence can still suck all the air out of a room. 

Ben’s eyes flick over to where Vanya’s sitting, shrinking in on herself like the words hit her physically. His heart give an uncomfortable little squueze and he's talking before he can think better of it. 

“Vanya could train with us.”

He keeps his eyes on Vanya, even as the others start talking over each other, shoot him dumbfounded looks. She stares right back, eyes wide, mouth open like she’s about to protest. 

But Diego beats her to it. “ _ Vanya?  _ Ben, don’t be ridiculous.” He steps closer, brushes shoulders with Luther as he walks past to drop onto the mattress next to Klaus. “She’d just make an easy target.”

“Vanya doesn’t have powers,” Allison adds, like that’s all the explanation needed to end this argument. Luther doesn’t say anything, only looks at Vanya, considering. 

Klaus though, Klaus is watching Ben, something on his face Ben can’t quite make out. Ben tries to signal towards him, make him agree, but it’s Luther who surprises Ben by nodding. 

“We’re only trying to disarm each other, nothing power related. Vanya could help.” 

Allison gasps rather loudly. Somehow she manages to make it sound angry and annoyed at once, but she doesn’t disagree with Luther. She barely does. 

“Great!” Klaus claps his hands before standing up, resting heavily on Diego as he does so. Diego doesn’t even shove him away, ignores him altogether. 

“How are we gonna team up then, chief?” Diego clicks his tongue, wipes his hands on his thighs. Luther made him leave his knives at the entrance of the basement so he wouldn’t use them during training. Ben’s pretty sure he only said that so Diego couldn’t throw them at him whenever he got bored. 

The questions is unnecessary. It’s always the same anyway. Luther’s gonna team up with Allison, of course he will, and Ben, Klaus and Diego have to work out whatever. Although now with Vanya added…..

Maybe Ben could train with Vanya. 

He could suggest it; he was the one who had the idea in the first place after all. It feels like anything’s possible, like he could do and say whatever and be careless about it, just like- 

As long as Vanya’s there and has her eyes on him, as long as he can tease a reaction out of her, as long as those things are given, he can be more than he actually is.  


(She used to talk to him, tell him sometimes she feels like she’s underwater, like everything is far away. Ben used to tell her he’s here. 

But no, that’s wrong. Five used to tell her they're here, used to hold her hand tightly while Ben sat next to them, tried his best to smile. Because they were never just  _ ‘BenandVanya’ _ , they were  _ ‘VanyaandFive and Ben’ _ . 

Now they’re nothing anymore). 

“Allison trains with me, you train with Ben. Klaus can work with Vanya.” Luther already turns away from them, goes to pick up the fake weapons they train disarming with, the rubber baseball bat and the water guns, but Diego isn’t done yet, hasn’t gotten the reaction he was waiting for as it seems. 

“No.” 

Luther whips his head up. “No?”

Diego grins. “No. We won’t team up like that.”

Ben can see Klaus roll his eyes, already having pulled Vanya into a standing position to drag her over to them. Allison crosses her arms, huffing.

“Here we go again,” she mumbles, just as Luther starts to talk, clearly preparing for a rant. 

“Oh, you have a better idea? Because then enlighten us please, Number  _ Two _ . I’m so sick of you-”

Diego cuts him off with an impatient wave of his hand. “I _do_ have a better idea,” he says and he sounds smug. It’s...weird though, unlike his usual bristle way of talking to Luther. 

“Vanya trains with Allison, since they’re both girls. Ben and Klaus team up because they both aren’t able to use their powers to have an unfair advantage over the other. And you go up against me.”

“That’s sexist,” Klaus quips but he’s watching on with obvious glee in his eyes. Vanya mostly looks awkward next to him, shoulders drawn up and hair hiding her face. Ben wants to push it back.  


<strike>Five would've pushed it back.</strike>

All of the rustled up annoyance leaves Luther in one swift motion, he falters. “But……, but none of use are able to use our powers!” He’s obviously grasping for straws, not willing to let Diego win this round. 

Diego raises an eyebrow. “ _ Really? _ None of us?” He puts a hand on his chin, pretends to be deep in thought. “Tell me, Spaceboy: How exactly do you shut off your super strength?”

Luther blushes. “I can control it.”

“You can? Then why don’t  _ you _ go up against Vanya, since you can’t possibly hurt her.” Diego’s stepping closer, getting all up in Luther’s face. “You know, no bruises as big as plates or accidentally broken bones. Torn off limbs. That stuff.” Diego shrugs. 

“But surely that won’t happen if you have such good control over yourself.”

He puts his hand on the back of Luther’s shoulder, pushes him forward and towards Vanya. 

Luther’s face is closed off, lips tightly pressed together. 

_ ‘He’s actually thinking about going through with it,’ _ Ben thinks.  _ ‘Only because he hates telling Diego he’s right.’ _

This is all going in a direction Ben didn’t want it to go at all. This is what he gets when he opens up his mouth, when he talks out of line. 

When he lets his mind wander into dangerous territory, starts thinking about things he can’t have and the kind of guy he wants to be and isn’t. 

(He isn’t Five. He isn’t Five and he can never be them. And Vanya knows that). 

And still. 

“I go up against Luther,” he hears himself say. “I can take him.”

Klaus starts laughing. “Damn,” he wheezes, hands over his stomach. “What is _ wrong _ with everyone today?”

Diego looks like he’s just bitten into a lemon, sending death glares in Ben’s direction for ruining his fun. Allison is also looking over at him, but her face is full of concern, something she rarely ever shows for anyone but herself. 

“Are you okay, Ben? You aren’t feeling ill, are you?” 

Klaus is still laughing, resting his forehead on Vanya’s shoulder and Vanya’s just  _ looking  _ at him, brow furrowed. 

_ ‘Can’t you see?’ _ He wants to scream.  _ ‘I’m doing this for you.’ _

But she isn’t impressed, isn’t looking at him like he’s a hero, marvelling at his bravery. Maybe she would if he weren’t Ben, shy little Ben, so afraid of upsetting their Dad he pukes before every single mission, like maybe the tentacles will come out too, something he can flush down the toilet and be free. 

(Maybe she would be impressed if he were a little more smug, his words a little sharper. If he were able to bend the space around him however he liked, would use his power like it’s a gift rather than a burden. 

Maybe she would smile at him then, the way she used to smile at  _ them _ ). 

“What? You don’t think I can do it? I’m not weak!” He’s angry now and he shouldn’t be, should take the rumbling of his stomach as the warning it is, skin stretching where the tentacles are trying to escape their cage, fueled by his emotions, hoping for blood. 

“Ben,” Luther is talking slowly, voice firm. The twitching in his fingers is barely noticeable. “I won’t fight you.”

Ben laughs and it’s bitter. He wants to cry and he has no idea why. The Tentacles are being more insistent now, pushing hard enough he can see them moving under his shirt, twisting around. 

“Maybe you should leave,” he says, monotone.

Obediently, they all make their way over to the door. No matter how much they try to pretend they aren’t scared of Ben, he knows they are and he can’t blame them for it. 

Not if all it takes is one second, one tiny second of not having an iron grip on his control, and they’d all be dead. 

They scurry up the stairs, one by one. They all pretend they’re not trying to leave as fast as possible, get away from him. 

Luther freezes for a moment, turns back to look at Ben. Bites his lip. He’s gonna have to report this to Dad, there’s no way around it. 

Not when Ben disturbed precious training. 

When he thinks all of them are gone, he closes his eyes, tries his best to relax again. Puts his hands on his stomach. 

“This is my fault,” a voice says and Ben jumps, takes a few steps back.

It’s Vanya, she’s still there, still standing at the foot of the stairs like she’s glued to them. Ben didn’t even register her not leaving, overlooked her. Like they always overlook her. 

The others probably didn’t even notice her not coming upstairs with them. 

“You should go, Vanya,” Ben says, presses his hands harder against his stomach. The tentacles push against them, curious. 

His anger is gone but they’re awake now. They don’t wanna go back to sleep. 

“I’m sorry for this. This wouldn’t have happened if I wouldn’t have been around.” Vanya walks towards him, ignores his alarmed looks. He backs away, tries to keep his distance. 

“Vanya, you shouldn’t-” His back hits the wall and Vanya is still coming closer, face open. “It’s not your fault, I’m just-”

“It is my fault,” Vanya insists and she’s close enough they’re nearly touching. Ben tries to shrink in on himself. “You were trying to be nice to me and it went horribly wrong. I’m sorry.”

_ ‘You don’t ever have to apologize to me,’ _ Ben thinks, wants to say so, but then Vanya is touching his stomach and he forgets to breathe. 

Her hand is barely pressing into his skin, fingers skidding over his shirt, right above where his own hands are laying. The monster inside him is rumbling, tentacles moving like snakes, pressing against each other and shoving each other to the side. 

“You were really brave. Trying to save my dignity,” Vanya smiles at him, hand still on his stomach and it would be lurching if an eldritch monster wouldn’t reside inside it. "Well, my dignity and my bones."  


“I wanted to-,” Ben swallows. “Wanted to impress you. You always watch us train and I thought-”

_ ‘I thought I could get you to only look at me.’ _

Allison always watches Luther during training. Diego watches him too, trying to size him up, mimic him. Klaus barely pays attention to anything. On Wednesdays, Ben watches Vanya. 

And Vanya….

Vanya used to watch Five. But now her gaze flits from one sibling to the next, depending who she deems most interesting in the moment. 

She rarely looks at Ben. 

“I wanted to include you more,” is what he ends up saying, not brave enough to dare speak things into existence, things that take up most of his mind. 

Ben never gets what he wants, not when the runt, Number 6 in a world where seven children may existed, but only six of them were deemed worthy.  


(Now there's only five left, five to go on missions, five to save the world. Like they needed a reminder of who exactly is missing, like it doesn't tear them up each day). 

“That’s nice of you, Ben.” Vanya presses against his stomach a bit more firmly and just like that, the tentacles settle. Like Vanya’s hand on his stomach -  _ really  _ on his stomach, not just teasing over it - is all it takes to get them to calm down. 

He wonders what would happen if she were to touch his naked skin. 

If she touched a tentacle. 

He shakes his head subtly, tries to clear his hazed mind. There’s so much going on there, so many thoughts and feelings. Meanwhile Vanya seems completely calm and Ben wonders if it has something to do with her anxiety medication. Maybe Ben needs some of that too. 

Vanya’s eyes gleam though, looking down at her hand. “Look!” She rubs over Ben’s stomach but the tentacles stay silent, unmoving. “I think they like me!”

“They don’t like anyone,” Ben says but he can’t help but wonder. Do they react like this because Ben likes Vanya? Do they  _ know? _

“I guess we can tell the others everything is fine, then.” Vanya steps back, takes her hand with her. Turns before Ben can really say anything, already making her way across the room. 

Ben feels out of breath, panting like he’d just ran a marathon. Strangely empty. Still, he follows Vanya all the same. 

(He’d probably follow Vanya anywhere if she’d let him. But he can’t. Not when she’s talking about things like college and moving out and Ben has no idea how to function without Dad telling him what to do, without Luther to look to whenever there’s a tough call to make.

He won’t ever get out of here. Not alive).

They make their way up the stairs side by side, Vanya small enough to easily fit beside him. Ben doesn’t look at her. Tries to forget what just happened. 

It won’t change anything anyway. 

There’s two more steps and they’re in the hallway. Maybe he can stop Luther before he reports to Dad, maybe he can avoid the punishment that will sure as hell follow.

If only they find Luther before he goes to see Dad….

But Vanya’s tugging at his shirt, making him stop. Ben turns his head, wants to ask her what’s wrong but he can’t because she’s already leaning up, pressing her mouth onto his for one wonderful, glorious second. 

And then she's gone, running up the rest of the stairs and off into the hallway, leaving Ben behind, eyes still closed and hands hanging uselessly at his sides. 

He should’ve touched, should’ve grabbed her wrist and pulled her back, kiss her some more. 

Kiss her until she forgot there was ever anyone other than Ben. 

But he didn’t because he isn’t that kind of guy. He isn’t and Vanya knows that. 

But still she kissed him. 

Ben smiles. 

**Author's Note:**

> It is vital to me that you know that Diego was trying to flirt and just failed miserably. 
> 
> See ya tomorrow!


End file.
